Reflections

Greetings, readers! I'm sorry I've been on a sabbatical for the past few months. I've been pretty busy with work—and it's kept me fairly occupied. However, I'm transitioning into full-time freelance work, and since I'm doing so, I plan to actually keep up with this blog—more so than what I've done. Sometimes, you have to do a lot of unpaid work to get paid work; as my father says, you just have to keep writing.

2016 has really been a year of ups and downs for me. A year of crippling anxiety, calculated risks, uncertainty, and new opportunities. I finally, finally decided that a doctorate isn't for me, after a lot of agonizing decision. However, that left a lot of room for doubt in my life. I'd spent six years of my life working towards being a history professor—where was I gonna go from there? This year was a very uncertain time for me. As someone who is a control freak and list maker, it sent me into a tailspin.

That being said, I've done a lot of reflection this year—especially these past few days. For a while, I didn't think that freelancing and photography would make a viable career, until today.

Today, I got prints made for my parents and my grandma as a belated Christmas present. I did it because I genuinely love taking pictures, and I love that my parents love my pictures. I printed my favorite shots, and when I got them back, it hit me:

This is what I love, more than anything on this planet.

I realized that I enjoy taking pictures. I enjoy writing. I realized that all of the roads that I've taken—all of the mess I've put up with over the past three and a half years—it's all led me here.

My heart isn't in teaching. My heart isn't in GIS. My heart wasn't in all the jobs I took just to keep my head above water and my rent paid.

My heart is in pictures—most specifically—in every picture I take.

I've reflected a lot over the past few days, about my progression as a photographer from 2011 till now. I started out babysitting just to purchase a Nikon to take on a college trip. I started reading every resource I could regarding digital photography. I started learning how to properly edit pictures. It's what I enjoyed, but I didn't pursue it further because I didn't think that it'd be profitable. I'd failed at photography on the professional level before, but I failed because I was still really unsure of what I wanted to do. I thought, at the time, that I was going to be a professor.

The one thing I've reflected on the most this year is that, if you love something, you have to keep going. I have a bad habit of giving up. I'll admit it, sometimes it's just way too easy to give up. For me, it's an overwhelming fear of failure.

I've always been extremely, overwhelmingly ambitious. My ambition often leads to a fear of failure and a crippling lack of self confidence. Even at a young age, I wanted to be the best. Unfortunately, instead of “being the best”, many times, my crippling fear of failure led me to give up before I even began. Admittedly, I had a lot of growing up to do.

But, as I close 2016, in my reflections, I've learned a few things. First, I've learned that not everyone is going to like your work. Some people will be outright nasty about it, too. People can be mean, and they can hurt your feelings, and they can treat you poorly. That's a reflection of them, not you.

I had my first run-in with nasty clients this year. I really wanted to quit; I wanted to give up and stop taking pictures for a while. But, then I realized that it wasn't a reflection of my abilities, but of their character. Once I realized this, then I realized that it didn't matter what other people thought of me. I was still going to take pictures.

Second, I learned that if something makes you happy, then you should pursue it. I learned that I needed to use the ambition that I was given, but I needed to quit being afraid of failure. If this year has taught me anything, it's that ambition with no motivation doesn't get you anywhere.

So, here I am, back at it in the world of blogging and photography. I can't promise to schedule posts and keep things running smoothly, but I can promise this: I'm going to try.

Happy New Year's, folks. Here are a few of my favorite pictures from this year.

-Amanda

#blackandwhitephotography #nikonphotography #neworleans #florence #professionalphotography #ambition